OPINION: Family is sacrosanct to us Italians – even if it means you can’t get away

Foreigners living in Italy are often left baffled by how much ‘la famiglia’ is intrinsic to the Italian way of life. Silvia Marchetti explains why families in Italy “stick together like glue”, even if it means your relatives are a constant presence in your life.

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Family in Italy is considered the building block of society, and it is sacrosanct.
Most Italians give so much importance to it that it is hard for some to believe. Family is far more important in Italy than in other European and western countries where I have lived such as the Netherlands or Switzerland. 
We tend to stick together like glue. 
Talking to several expat friends of mine, I realise this is something that often baffles many foreigners, who are used to leaving the family ‘nest’ at an early stage in life. And it’s not just an impression outsiders to Italian culture get by attending huge flashy weddings, religious celebrations such as baptisms, and birthdays, where family members come in dozens. 
La famiglia is our daily reality, for better or worse. 

I’ve had a hard time dealing with family myself. When I was a kid, until I started to say basta to my parents, each weekend and festivity was spent at my grandparents or with my cousins, uncles and aunts. We even all went skiing together or holidaying at our beach homes. My father and his brothers had bought attached studios so we could all always be together.
In Italy, no matter how old one gets, parents, siblings, relatives of all degrees and grandparents are always present. And sometimes, I think, they’re even too present and may tend to often ‘intrude’ in one’s private life. 
In Italy extended families are considered a blessing and youths can’t seem to leave their parents home until they’re very, very old (hence the denigratory term of ‘mammoni’, meaning ‘mama’s boy or girl’). 
Up until after the Second World War, when a new child was born, families in rural areas and on small islands would build an annexed dwelling so everyone could stick together in future. 
When I first visited the island of Ponza, off Rome’s coast, it struck me how huge cave labyrinths had been carved from cliffs into several annexed grotto homes for the entire extended family. 
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One could think that it all comes down to a matter of religion: as the majority of Italians are Catholic, and also quite religious, the Church preaches the importance of family as both a key spiritual and material entity that accompanies people throughout their entire lives.
But that’s not enough to explain it. 
I believe the importance of family is part of a typical Italian lifestyle and mindset, a belief in certain values that having family is like an investment for the future, a safety net in hard times. 
READ ALSO: Why are Italians both so religious and so superstitious?
This traces its roots back centuries. Even though Italian society has always been officially patriarchal on the outside, with the husband-father who decided over the fate of everyone, in reality it was the woman (wife and mother) the lady of the household. Usually, kids tend to stick around their mums more than their dads. 
Across history, family members have always stood up for each other, both in aristocratic and poor families. 
It is crucial to keep in mind that we are a relatively young nation when compared to France and the UK. Italian national unity was reached only in 1861 and the Republic was created in 1946; up until then, Italy did not exist. 
It was a mosaic of bickering city-states and fiefdoms ruled by powerful aristocratic families who were constantly at war with each other. Family was the seat of power, and affiliation was more than just identity and belonging. It meant survival.
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Likewise, peasants could solely rely on their own family members to survive, keep the harvests going and the land fertile. Each newborn was considered additional labour force to add to the family, a pair of ‘extra hands’ (as my granny would say) to plough, feed the animals and run the farm activities. 
When society went from rural to modern, and people started abandoning villages to move to larger towns and abroad, family was still seen as a pillar. Immigrant Italian families that have flourished across the world, building, for instance, ice cream and pizza empires that still survive to this day, are proof. 
“La famiglia è tutto” (family is everything) is my dad’s favourite motto. 
I believe that, no matter how Italian society will evolve in the near future, spending a lot of time with close family and extended family members will still be a common trait of most Italians. It’s innate.

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#Opinion and Analysis
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Comments (1)

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Scott

2024/09/18 06:10

Thanks for the insight – it’s something a bit baffling and stifling to me as a foreigner.
Makes it quite hard to get to know people or plan things as well I find as there’s little to no priority accorded for newcomers. I genuinely also question if there’s space in this society for people who are more individualistic.

See Also

Family in Italy is considered the building block of society, and it is sacrosanct.
Most Italians give so much importance to it that it is hard for some to believe. Family is far more important in Italy than in other European and western countries where I have lived such as the Netherlands or Switzerland. 
We tend to stick together like glue. 
Talking to several expat friends of mine, I realise this is something that often baffles many foreigners, who are used to leaving the family ‘nest’ at an early stage in life. And it’s not just an impression outsiders to Italian culture get by attending huge flashy weddings, religious celebrations such as baptisms, and birthdays, where family members come in dozens. 
La famiglia is our daily reality, for better or worse. 
I’ve had a hard time dealing with family myself. When I was a kid, until I started to say basta to my parents, each weekend and festivity was spent at my grandparents or with my cousins, uncles and aunts. We even all went skiing together or holidaying at our beach homes. My father and his brothers had bought attached studios so we could all always be together.
In Italy, no matter how old one gets, parents, siblings, relatives of all degrees and grandparents are always present. And sometimes, I think, they’re even too present and may tend to often ‘intrude’ in one’s private life. 
In Italy extended families are considered a blessing and youths can’t seem to leave their parents home until they’re very, very old (hence the denigratory term of ‘mammoni’, meaning ‘mama’s boy or girl’). 
Up until after the Second World War, when a new child was born, families in rural areas and on small islands would build an annexed dwelling so everyone could stick together in future. 
When I first visited the island of Ponza, off Rome’s coast, it struck me how huge cave labyrinths had been carved from cliffs into several annexed grotto homes for the entire extended family. 
One could think that it all comes down to a matter of religion: as the majority of Italians are Catholic, and also quite religious, the Church preaches the importance of family as both a key spiritual and material entity that accompanies people throughout their entire lives.
But that’s not enough to explain it. 
I believe the importance of family is part of a typical Italian lifestyle and mindset, a belief in certain values that having family is like an investment for the future, a safety net in hard times. 
READ ALSO: Why are Italians both so religious and so superstitious?
This traces its roots back centuries. Even though Italian society has always been officially patriarchal on the outside, with the husband-father who decided over the fate of everyone, in reality it was the woman (wife and mother) the lady of the household. Usually, kids tend to stick around their mums more than their dads. 
Across history, family members have always stood up for each other, both in aristocratic and poor families. 
It is crucial to keep in mind that we are a relatively young nation when compared to France and the UK. Italian national unity was reached only in 1861 and the Republic was created in 1946; up until then, Italy did not exist. 
It was a mosaic of bickering city-states and fiefdoms ruled by powerful aristocratic families who were constantly at war with each other. Family was the seat of power, and affiliation was more than just identity and belonging. It meant survival.
Likewise, peasants could solely rely on their own family members to survive, keep the harvests going and the land fertile. Each newborn was considered additional labour force to add to the family, a pair of ‘extra hands’ (as my granny would say) to plough, feed the animals and run the farm activities. 
When society went from rural to modern, and people started abandoning villages to move to larger towns and abroad, family was still seen as a pillar. Immigrant Italian families that have flourished across the world, building, for instance, ice cream and pizza empires that still survive to this day, are proof. 
“La famiglia è tutto” (family is everything) is my dad’s favourite motto. 
I believe that, no matter how Italian society will evolve in the near future, spending a lot of time with close family and extended family members will still be a common trait of most Italians. It’s innate.